Some days, just seeing a pic of your celebrity crush might be enough to rev your engine. Others, getting in the mood may not come so easily. That’s totally normal.
“Our sex drive is so very reactive to everything that’s happening to us in our world and our bodies,” says Marianne Brandon, PhD, a clinical psychologist and co-author of Reclaiming Desire: 4 Keys to Finding Your Lost Libido. Think: annoyances at work, medical issues, sexiness-crushing side-effects of medications, hormonal changes, and any number of other outside distractions. Sometimes, that lack of desire to get busy can last weeks—even months.
But just because you’re not feeling particularly saucy right this second doesn’t mean you have to give up on the idea of getting in the mood. Actually, it’s all about taking the situation into your hands and playing up the elements that are in your control.
Sure, sex drive ebbs and flows, but you can definitely boost your libido when you’re feeling a little blah. Once you find the thing (or things) that put you in the mood, you’ll be able to light your flame in no time. “The mind is a powerful thing,” Brandon says. “It can turn you off to sex, and it can turn you on to sex.”
Meet the Experts:
Marianne Brandon, PhD is a clinical psychologist and co-author of Reclaiming Desire: 4 Keys to Finding Your Lost Libido.
Jordan Soper, PsyD CST is a certified sex therapist with Promescent, a sexual wellness brand.
Megan Fleming, PhD is a psychologist and resident sex therapist with sex toy retailer Lovehoney.
Searah Deysach is a sex educator and owner of Early to Bed, a pleasure product company based in Chicago.
Holly Richmond, PhD is a somatic psychotherapist and certified sex therapist.
Amy Levine is a sex coach and founder of Ignite Your Pleasure.
So, if you’re ready to heat things up, prepare to get your head in the game because these sex experts have just the tips you’ll need to turn yourself on and bring sexy back.
1. Let go of your to-do list.
The biggest cock, coochie, and climax block of them all? Stress! “Our lives pull us into our minds constantly,” Brandon says. “It’s hard to then jump into your body when you spent the last 16 hours in your head.”
Your move: Before you turn down the lights and start getting sensual, whip out a pen and paper. Jot down a to-do list you’ll plan to tackle after and only after you’ve turned yourself on and gotten it on. Put the list away, and get down to the business of the hour: feeling sexy. Being present creates the space for pleasure, says Amy Levine, sex coach and founder of Ignite Your Pleasure.
2. Relax your muscles.
“Soothing and relaxing your muscles is a very important aspect of getting aroused,” says Jordan Soper, PsyD, CST, a certified sex therapist with Promescent, a sexual wellness brand. “That’s because the body needs to be calm enough to send energy and blood flow to the genitals to become aroused.”
So, go ahead and use whatever muscle-relieving technique works for you. This could be a bath followed by a self-lotioning ceremony, or could be a professional massage.
3. Connect with your body.
Before getting hot and heavy, the first step to turning yourself on is feeling empowered in your body. “When you’re not confident and comfortable in your body, it’s hard to find pleasure,” Brandon says.
Exercising, deep breathing, or spending time outside can all help you feel more connected with your bod, she says. “This isn’t about looking powerful or looking a certain way,” she says. “It’s about how you’re feeling on the inside.” Feeling yourself = feeling sexy.
4. Indulge in some bath time.
Even things that don’t seem to be sensual at first, like taking a bath, can help get you into the right mindset, says Brandon. Megan Fleming, PhD, a psychologist and resident sex therapist with sex toy retailer Lovehoney, agrees. Her recommendation: Turn your bathtub into a wet n’ wild solo sex den with the help of fragrant candles, bubble bath, and a little Bon Iver. Oh, and maybe your favorite vibrator?
“Let’s not forget that there are lots of great waterproof sex toys for hot, solo bath time fun,” says sex educator Searah Deysach, owner of Early to Bed, a pleasure product com
pany in Chicago that ships worldwide.
5. Make use of your shower head.
If you’ve got a detachable shower head, you’ve won the masturbation jackpot. “A removable showerhead can be a great way to turn self-care into self-pleasure in the bath or shower,” says Soper.
6. Listen to audio erotica.
Sure, you might be more used to porn as a visual medium. But thanks to audio erotica, you can use your ears rather than your eyes to get off. Don’t underestimate the power of a good audio story, says Holly Richmond, PhD, somatic psychotherapist and certified sex therapist. She recommends audio erotica apps such as Dipsea, which offers short sexy stories for you to get lost in.
7. Record, then play, some sexy sounds.
Between the heavy breathing, slosh of body fluids, and buzz of a vibrator, there is no shortage of (wo)man-made music involved in solo sex. Consider taping an audio recording of yourself getting off, then playing it back the next time you want to get revved. If you have a consenting, open-minded partner, you might even take an audio recording next time you’re bang-a-langing. You could also ask them to send an audio clip of them finishing.
“Arousal starts in the brain,” explains Fleming. “So if you can involve senses other than just touch, you’ll have an easier time getting in the mood.”
8. Reminisce about sexy past experiences.
Chances are, you have at least one unforgettable sexcapade you can think of when your libido needs a boost. “Letting your mind go there can spark your body and get your mind in the game,” Brandon says. Whether you and a former partner had a hot romp in a park or only banged it out to sensual music on silk sheets, reminiscing can be a surefire way to rev your engine.
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9. And fantasize about the ones that haven’t happened yet.
Riding solo? Get totally lost in your imagination, baby. There’s no better way to float into a creative, sex-craving haze than fantasizing about that position you want to try in real life, or that kink you’ve been considering, according to Brandon. Even if you aren’t planning on turning those fantasies into reality just yet, you can still harness that sexual energy to get you all tingly inside.
10. Eye some online smut.
Keep it classic and read your erotica. Quinn, Aurore, Literotica, and Tumblr all allow the audience to submit their steamiest tales. If you go this route, keep in mind, you’ll probably want (nay, need) at least one free hand—so be sure to outfit your phone with a PopSocket or Ring holder.
11. Read an erotic novel.
Really prep for your down(town) time by ordering a book-length erotica story. Brandon suggests seeing what’s out there in the erotica world, and basing your purchase off of summary blurbs, customer reviews online, and your personal interests. If, for example, you love a butch4butch story, consider reading Behrouz Gets Lucky by Avery Cassell. Love a power-play scene? You might be better suited to Abigail Barnette’s The Boss series.
12. Send a sext or two.
Invite your LOML or FWB to help turn you on over text! Just be sure to ask for consent before you wax poetica about their mouth, or lay out the things you want them to do to your tush. Richmond also says you can reread old sexts that you already know will do the trick.
13. Sext a robot.
Yes, really. There is an online robot, appropriately named Slutbot, that will let you practice your sexting skills. Simply head to the website, hand over your number, then get saucy.
14. Write a little erotica of your own.
Don’t have someone to sext and feel wary about robot sexting? Draft up something sexy in your notes app! Just the process of typing out your fantasies can put you in the mood.
15. Queue up the hot visuals.
Yep, you saw this one coming. After all, some of us are visual, ahem, learners. Produced (ethical) porn could be key to feeling that familiar warmth between your legs. Some great options to look into include CrashPadSeries, Bellesa, Four Chamb
ers, Afterglow, and FrolicMe.
16. Stream your favorite sexy music video.
If you don’t have the time to scroll through porn vid thumbnails and hashtags to find what you’re craving, Brandon suggests getting creative. Watching Harry Styles’ “Lights Up” orgy-ish music video on loop could be just the lubricant you need to land an O, she says.
Want even more bang for your buck? Watch these steamy TV sex scenes…
17. Watch a hot movie.
“Watching a raunchy movie can help you get in the mood,” says Soper. It may also promote creativity in your brain and help you figure out what kind of partnered or multi-partnered sex you want to have, she says.
18. Swipe through photos that get you going.
If you don’t have an R-rated folder on your phone or desktop, now’s the time to start one! Richmond says staring at photos that make you feel hot, hot, hot can help get you going.
PSA: There’s no *wrong* type of photos. Some people will find it most arousing to collect pics that remind them of a steamy past sexual experience, she says. For instance, if you once had a hot quickie in a car, you might plop a generic photo of a car into your album to help you mentally time-travel to the backseat.
19. Take some nudes.
“Sexy photos of yourself can provide you a space to feel beautiful, empowered, strong, confident, and human”–all prerequisites for getting in the mood, says Soper.
But snapping an R-rated pic isn’t just about getting aroused. “Taking sexy photos of yourself for yourself is also a great way to increase your self-esteem, self-image, self-confidence, and body image,” she says. Good for your self-esteem and libido? What a win-win.
20. Look at said nudes.
Are you one to take a sexy pic (or 10) when you’re feeling yourself? Flip through those images to connect with a past self whose libido was pumping, suggests Richmond.
21. Rock some lingerie.
Putting on and peeling off a lacy number (worn on special occasions) can make you feel like the star of the show. While you give attention to every bit of your beautiful self, think of what you love about your body, Levine says.
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22. Get an underwear subscription.
Yep, these are a thing. Brands like Underclub, Savage X Fenty, and Adore Me all offer underwear subscription services that send sexy undergarments right to your door on a monthly basis. Each time you get a new pair of skivvies in the mail, you’ll be reminded of your hot, inner fox. Fun!
23. Do a boudoir photo shoot.
Want to really capture your inner sex god or goddess? Do a boudoir photoshoot, suggests Fleming. “[This] can help you see yourself in a more positive, sensuous light,” she says.
24. Put on a show for yourself.
Mirrors are notorious for kink-ifying partnered play. But they can (and should!) be used during solo play, too. Prop yourself in front of a mirror, and just watch the way your fingers or toys make you feel.
In case you need a reminder: Use lube! Store-bought lubricant will create a ‘wet look’ that will allow your its and bits to glisten in the mirror. Oil-based lubricant is especially shiny and long-lasting, and therefore a good option when putting on a show.
25. Set the scene.
No shame intended if you love to get going in a cold, dark room. But most people would prefer to get off in a warm, sensuous space, says Brandon, who recommends dimming the lights, fluffing the pillows, and pressing play on The Weeknd (or another sexy favorite). “Create a space in your home that feels inviting and
sensual—not just calm, but body-aware,” she says. Need some more specific ideas? Keep reading…
26. Light some candles.
Once more for people in the back: Drawing on the senses is a biggie when it comes to feeling turned on, says Richmond. It’s how you communicate to your mind that you want to be in the mood. When it comes to scents, Richmond says candles are the way to go. Plus, while they create that sexy ambiance you’re after, some candles are also great for wax play once you’re hot, bothered, and ready to get down to the good stuff. Just make sure it’s a play-safe candle!
27. Listen to sensual music.
Make a playlist with your favorite sexy songs, says Richmond. You might throw a little jazz in there or, if you already have a sex playlist for when you’re doing the deed, see if it can do the work of getting you in the mood. Once you are, just hit replay.
28. Finger fabric.
Admit it: There’s something about silk, leather, and velvet! Well, whether it’s one of these sensual fabrics or another, Richmond recommends getting your fingers on them. Close your eyes and run your fingers over a soft blanket, strip down and lie in your softest sheets, or hold a leather jacket in your hands if the material gets you going, she says. Doing so helps take your mind away from work and family stressors, and into the present moment.
29. Touch everything.
No doubt, fabric can fuel your fire. But desire can be brought on by a range of stimuli and it won’t always be what you expect, says Richmond. Get handsy with the objects around you until you feel yourself react—maybe your nipples will get hard, or you feel a flutter in your stomach.
Just be warned, not everything is safe to put in and around your genitals. If you’re bringing an object down under, make sure it’s made of a non-porous material, and if it’s going in your butt, it needs a flared base.
30. Inhale and exhale.
Raise your hand if you pant during heavy petting, or catch yourself taking deep or very shallow breaths when someone is touching you sensually. Hand up? Consider recreating that feeling simply by breathing the way you do when you’re turned on, suggests Richmond. Sometimes, you just gotta fake it ’til you make it.
31. Then, squeeze.
Level up your breathing game by pairing your breath work with kegels, suggests Richmond. “On the in-breath, pull up your pelvic floor and do your kegel, and on your out-breath release your pelvic floor,” she says. If you get really into it, it’s not unheard of to orgasm just by breathing, Richmond says.
32. Give yoga a try.
When it comes to sex drive, sometimes you gotta go with the flow… literally. Practicing yoga or meditation might help you better tune into your desires and, ultimately, have better sex, says Brandon.
To date, there are only a few small studies conducted by the National Center for Biotechnology Information digging into the connection, but think about it: Yoga is all about focusing on movement and breath. Sounds quite familiar, doesn’t it?
33. Dance for yourself.
Lock your bedroom door, turn up a playlist of sexy and empowering jams (hey, Lizzo), and get your hips swiveling. Sure, shimmying in an empty room might feel awkward at first, but keep going. “Moving your hips and pelvis in a sensual way can be really helpful to embrace your erotic self,” Brandon says. And hey, no worries if you won’t bust these moves out in public—this private moment is all yours.
34. Play foot masseuse.
You don’t have to go from zero to clit! Instead, if you’re not (yet) in the mood to get handsy with your heinie or hoohah, touch your non-erogenous zones. Grab some essential oils or your fave lotion, then get to work massaging your legs and feet, suggests Richmond. You might close your eyes and imagine someone you’re into is doing it, or you might just lean into the feeling of being touched.
35. Touch yourself for pleasure (not climax).
Many people masturbate in order to climax, not in order to feel pleasure (guilty as charged). “Touching your body for pleasure without the goal of orgasm” is just as important as the hot and heavy stuff, says Richmond.
Orgasms are great, no doubt, she says, but taking time to learn how all parts of your body respond to touch has the power to introduce you to under-utilized erogenous zones all over your body. Plus, it allows you to draw out your self-love time!
36. Explore your body.
Usual spots just aren’t cutting it right now? Take your sexcapades beyond the erotic areas, says Levine. “For example, pressing the areas on the right and left of your labia majora where your leg meets your pelvis can be an amazing release of pressure,” she says.
As you slip into the sheets, try lightly running your fingers over your collarbones and gently squeeze your nipples. Who knows? You might even pick up a few tips to pass on to your partner later.
37. Give yourself a vulva massage.
Yep, this is different from masturbating! Giving yourself a vulva massage involves giving parts of your genitals that normally get forgotten (in favor of the clit or vaginal canal) some TLC, says Fleming. “Pay attention to your labia, pubic mound, and taint to see what kinds of sensations they enjoy,” she says. You might, for example, cup your pubic mound, press on your taint, and tickle your labia.
38. Masturbate (even if it feels futile).
Not horny? No problem. You can start touching your erogenous zones, even if you’re not turned on… yet, says Brandon. “[Masturbating] can help you get into your body and feel those sexual feelings,” she says.
It sounds counterintuitive, but sometimes orgasm comes first, then arousal. Aside from touting bonus health benefits like better sleep and less stress, it can also amp up your libido. Besides, who said a solo session can’t be chock-full of multiple O’s? (The answer: nobody!).
39. Become a literal student of pleasure.
How? By taking a pleasure class. You’re never too old to go back to school, and how could you not want to when the class is about sex and pleasure? Richmond recommends looking for a virtual course on a sex topic you’re interested in (squirting, orgasm control, etc). For instance, she teaches a course on mindful sex for sex toy brand Dame. Websites like OMGYes and O.School also offer virtual classes, as does sex therapist Rachel Wright.
40. Read informative articles.
Even skimming informative sex material—think articles like this one, or even sex toy reviews—can get your heart beating faster and fantasies swirling. Plus, they’re just a click away.
41. Take an in-person workshop.
Prefer a face-to-face class over watching something on your laptop? Head to your local sex shop. “Many sex toy stores actually offer courses for their customers,” says Richmond. Sign you up!
42. Buy yourself a sex toy.
Speaking of sex shops… Deysach says stepping your foot into one can help you get in the mood. “Stepping into a sex shop can be an empowering experience that says, yes, I value my sexuality!” she says. “When you buy a sex toy or set aside time for a solo session, you are telling yourself that you are worthy of self-love and pleasure.”
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43. Try arousal oil.
A category of oil-based products, arousal oils typically infuse body-safe oils with aphrodisiac botanicals to get you in the mood, explains Soper. While these won’t turn you into an instant horn-dog, they usually help bring blood flow to your bits, which is the first step in arousal.
Intrigued? Check out Promescent Arousal Gel, Foria Awaken Arousal Oil, and Bloomi Pleasure Oil.
44. Up the romance with food.
For the taste portion of playing on your senses, Deysach recommends “whipping up a sensual treat for your mouth.”
Everybody’s sexual template is different, says Richmond. So that could be a fresh plate of chocolate-dipped strawberries, or it could be a cheeseburger. Whatever it is, lean in. Just be warned: Once you find the dish or snack that puts you in the ‘sex’ headspace, you likely won’t ever be at a loss again when it comes to feeling turned on.
(P.S., in case you start getting a little creative with your food: Sugars shouldn’t go near your vaginal or anal canal. Yeast survives and thrives on sugar. So, if you have sugar in your delicate canals, yeast is more likely to grow and cause thrush. Pass!).
45. Eat in a sensual way.
If slurping up oysters gives you the tingles, go for it. “It’s not so much the food, but how you eat it,” Brandon says. “What if you’re eating with your hands? Licking chocolate sauce off your finger
s?” Lean into some tongue action, and savor the moment (and the chocolate).
46. Keep it going.
“Before you know it, if you’re not making desire part of your life, it goes by the wayside,” Brandon says. Don’t get too upset: This happens to everyone. Just read your favorite erotica author or masturbate more regularly. It’s not just for orgasm-related purposes (although those are always a perk), but for deepening your connection to your desire. Soon, turning yourself on will become one of your many talents.
Editor
Gabrielle Kassel (she/her) is a sex and wellness journalist who writes at the intersection of queerness, sexual health, and pleasure. In addition to Women’s Health, her work has appeared in publications such as Shape, Cosmopolitan, Well+Good, Health, Self, Men’s Health, Greatist, and more! In her free time, Gabrielle can be found coaching CrossFit, reviewing pleasure products, hiking with her border collie, or recording episodes of the podcast she co-hosts called
